No rest for the Wicked

I can’t sleep.  Or more truthfully, I am afraid to fall asleep.  This is not a new phenomenon by any means.  I have been having nightmares/night terrors for over 8 years now.  But the last few weeks they have been unusually vivid.  I have been in the same building for the last two nights in my dreams.  Cold, grey, concrete, forgotten.  It is where I die.  I know this but I don’t know why/how I know this.  The events of the dreams aren’t particularly violent or terrifying.  It is just the feeling while I’m there.  And the feeling it leaves to cloak the rest of my day with.  Fuck.  I hate having something that I can’t win.  I fight that cannot be fought.  I know that within minutes of me falling asleep, I will be in my own hell.  I’m tired.  So tired so often, but so scared to sleep.  It’s strange.  I hardly every dream about the war anymore.  I still think about it daily, but my nightmares, typically, aren’t combat related.  I have no fucking clue where to even start fixing this.  I’ve done therapy, medicine, meditation, dream catchers, drugs, alcohol……..fucking nothing.